jes us hOLY CHRI ST ITS A VELVET S UIT JACKET AND A POWER STANCE„„ WHAT THE FRICK [BREATHES INTO A PAPER BAG FOR SIX HOURS]
[six hours later] first of all, black is not a color. oh my god it is not a dang color!!!!! second of all, what possessed tom to put on a velvet suit jacket? what was it? did the gods come down and whisper in his ear “wear this ancient cloth relic of wealth it will ruin admin m’s life permanently, also the 70’s are making a comeback” because there is NO other possible explanation my poor strained brain can contemplate. i also posit that it was the shimmery satin lapels that drew tom to this jacket, after skipping all colors in the collection to go straight to the black options, of course. thirdly, or fourthly i don’t even know this jacket has ruined my ability to count because it is Too Powerful, he is also wearing shIMMERY SHOES resulting in him looking like a very sensual hybrid of mortuary curtains and a lizard.
overall, 11/10, wear always. if you’re gonna walk in dressed for your own funeral, you better look dang good and mix textures.
As the dear submitter titled this photographic wonder: “COWBOY. DENIM. WHORE.” And yes. Truer word were never spoken. Let’s analyse it bit by bit, shall we??
1. COWBOY: well, dear Thomas, it certainly looks like you escaped from some far west movie set, with those very cowboyish boots, plaid patterned shirt and jeans, slumped on the floor as if you owned the fucking place (LOOK AT ALL THAT SWAAAAAGGG, PEOPLE). You are only missing the horse. Maybe you could call Joey in?
2. DENIM: yes, well, I think it speaks for itself doesn’t it? Even if denim on denim hadn’t recently made a weird comeback, you sure know how to wear it darling. The Louis Vuitton shirt you are wearing (yes, for those of you who thought the brand only made expensive bags and purses, apparently it also designs dingy looking denim plaid shirts) is not exactly my cup of tea, but you make up for it by having rolled up the sleeves, thus showcasing your delicious forearms (who would have thought forearms could be so erotic?). Those jeans however… O gosh, they are pure fucking perfection (read further as to why on the “WHORE” section below).
3. WHORE: THOMAS YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING WHORE! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SIT LIKE THAT, WITH YOUR LEGS WIDE OPEN AND YOUR CROTCH AREA ON DISPLAY FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE?? WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! IT FUCKING ISN’T! YOU CERTAINLY ARE THE WHORIEST WHORE TO EVER WHORE! I MEAN THOSE TROUSERS ARE A THING OF SIN! I CAN SEE YOUR BUTT CHEEKS PERFECTLY OUTLINED! IS THAT NORMAL OR SHOULD I BE CONCERNED.
But in all seriousness, Thomas. Wear those jeans always, if you can bear the tightness around the crotchular section (if you cannot bear it, wear them anyways. God knows you’ve destroyed enough ovaries…)
In the golden words of the submitter of this photo:
Two shades of blue. IS IT SHINY, IS IT, IS ITT??? Plus blue patterned socks. WOW. MUCH COLOUR. I know blue is like, the only real colour that doesn’t make Tom run for the nearest ocean to fling himself into it, but still. It’s a whole suit of color, plus socks. And sweet pink Jesus it matches the wall/fence/thing behind him. WHICH MAY I ADD IS ALSO STRIPED.
Another stretched. V neck. my. god.
And is that thing
draped over your crotchular region your gray shimmery scarf Tom? I’m not sure but I think it is. In fact I hope it is because if it isn’t then it’s something else that is so atrociously similar it won’t even be allowed in spot the difference.”
Honestly, I don’t think I have to add much else… Perhaps point out that maybe it’s the fact that there are so many colours put together which makes it seem like you are in pain, Thomas.
Or maybe it’s the weight of that ginormus ring crushing your whole being. If so, I would understand… Not only is that thing ugly as fuck, but it seems bloody unconfortable.
I also want to thank the stylist for strategically covering the crotch area, which would otherwise be in full exposure, thus depriving us of any sense, reason and ovaries we might still have left.
Did those buckles come straight out of a painting of the original Thanksgiving? Did you steal those pants from a Pilgrim? AND THAT JACKET. Tom that jacket makes you look like a lizard that was run through with a bedazzler.
The only complaint I have is that there are no equally sparkly leather pants to match. Then you could truly be a fabulous ~cold blooded reptile.
Wear this ridiculous jacket again. I like it. You are fabulous iguana.